1600 Political Bits

Welcome Back

2005-08-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

Did you miss us? Well what better way to welcome ourselves back than some funny pictures!

Looks like they are all having a great time.

What a nice mustache you have!

We thought that the Washington Post was the Liberal guys!

GI Joe, Iraq American Hero!

Quote of the Week

2005-06-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

"It's time to put the election behind us, the votes have been counted and no more complaining about the past. Carrie is the new American Idol." Sen. John Kerry, unsuccessful 2004 presidential candidate, referring to American Idol winner Carrie Underwood

Toilet Humor (EXCLUSIVE)

2005-05-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

So apparently Newsweek is not to blame for the awful story about the flushing of the Koran down the toilet. It seems in fact that the stories were entirely true. Lets just remember for a second what the Bush administration was saying about the incident...

"It's appalling that this story got out there, the sad thing was that there was a lot of anger that got stirred by a story that was not very well founded." - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice

"The President finds the magazine's initial decision not to issue a full retraction puzzling, the report had serious consequences. People have lost their lives" - White House spokesman Scott McClellan

No Scott, it was apparently the actions of the military, not Newsweek, that had serious consequences. Politicalbits is wondering how long it takes the Whitehouse to issue a retraction and we are waiting on baited breath to see how the administration responds to this one!

Update: News moves fast, the story will be up on the WPost site, and we will link to it when it is!

There Ain't no Koran in the South

2005-05-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

A sign in front of Danieltown Baptist Church, in North Carolina reads "The Koran needs to be flushed," and the Rev. Creighton Lovelace, pastor of the church, is refusing to change the sign.

"I believe that it is a statement supporting the word of God"
-Rev. Lovelace

Aren't the people in the south just priceless! We guess the good reverend only supports the word of his god, without tolerance of others. And isn't that what the Bible is all about, intolerance... Wait that doesn't sound right? The funny thing is that last week the very same sign was advertising "Bingo and Pigs Feet Sundays" which seems equally offensive to our Middle Eastern friends.

Holy Shiite

2005-05-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

So Apparently Newsweek is trying to completely back away from their "riotous" story. Mark Whitaker, editor of Newsweek, said in an interview that the magazine was retracting the part of the article saying sources told Newsweek that a coming military report would say interrogators had flushed a holy book down the toilet to unnerve detainees. As it turned out, Newsweek now says, there was one source. And Mr. Whitaker said that because that source had “backed away” from his original account, the magazine could “no longer stand by” it.

It's a little suspect that something like this would cause people to kill each other. Especially if they are educated enough to read the article in the first place. Newsweek is still published in English right?

Nixon vs. Clinton (Sorta)

2005-05-12T07:11:00.000-07:00

Edward Cox, the son-in-law of former President Richard Nixon, is "seriously considering running" against Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York in her re-election bid next year, according to an adviser. All we have to say is Hillary better get new padlocks for her office. We know it was too easy, but come on... Nixon ain't no crook, and neither are his relatives! Some real opposition to Hillary's Senate Run could actually prove helpful to her Presidential Run, exposing weaknesses to Republican opponents prior to the national spotlight. What's that? Clinton is already in the national spotlight? oh, never mind then.

Washington Run

2005-05-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Two people were taken into custody after a small aircraft violated restricted airspace over Washington today -- prompting evacuations of the White House, Capitol and Supreme Court. Fighter jets and a Black Hawk helicopter were scrambled to intercept the high-wing Cessna, said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

Though this was a false alarm, the evacuations apparently didn't RUN so well, emphasis on the word Run. According to accounts on the scene, staff members around the Capital were running in every direction, unsure of where to go. Seems that this stuff should have been sorted out by now! Maybe the problem is that Chicken Little is running the show now. Well... At least the children will be entertained!

The Boys are Back in Town?

2005-05-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

Does the American public deserve a break from the Bush's in 2008? That's the question on everyones minds. Outsiders think it's silly to even consider that another Bush--this time Florida Gov. Jeb Bush--should try to follow his brother into the White House. But many White House insiders think Jeb is the best bet to carry on Dubya's agenda and beat Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Could he win? While some GOP bigwigs think voters want a break from the Bush family, Bushies think the guv is so different in style and substance from his older brother that he'd get a fair shot in the primaries.

George and Paris

2005-05-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

At first glance, the similarities appear coincidental. Eldest siblings, families with money and famous names, the middle initial ‘W’. But the list keeps going. Both were indifferent students and childhood hellions, closest to their mothers, for whom an early predilection towards carousing set the bar of public expectation quite low. And while one found God and the other a camcorder, their resultant public demeanor is astonishingly alike: they’re shallow, petulant and not all that bright, and seem pretty damn proud of it.

For further consideration, Radar has compiled what this Teflon twosome has had to say about the following subjects:

Hard work…

Bush: In Iraq, no doubt about it, it’s tough. It’s hard work. It’s incredibly hard…. It’s hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it’s necessary work. —presidential debate, 9/30/04

Paris: Believe me, it’s not easy to arrange a girls’ night out for a whole bunch of girly girls. Oh, the burdens of being an heiress! Just making sure they’re all dressed and ready at the same time is a nightmare. —Confessions of an Heiress, 9/04

Friends…

Bush: This is an impressive crowd — the haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite; I call you my base. —campaign dinner in New York, 9/00

Paris: I cannot stress enough the importance of billionaire friends. Even for someone like me, they can be real assets. They raise your social net worth. —Confessions

Drugs…

Bush: As I understand it, the current [FBI] form asks the question, “Did somebody use drugs within the last seven years?” and I will be glad to answer that question, and the answer is “No.” — Dallas Morning News, 8/19/99

Hilton: I don’t do drugs…. I see young girls out now who have been doing it for so long they look haggard and old. I like my young face. I don’t want to look old. —British Glamour, 2/05

The Media...

Bush: There’s a sense that people in America aren’t getting the truth. I’m mindful of the filter through which some news travels, and sometimes you just have to go over the heads of the filter and speak directly to the people. —TV interview, 10/13/03

Hilton: No one writes about my charity work. They’d rather write about me dancing on a table, which I’ve never done in my life. I don’t know how you could dance on tables. The table would, like, fall. —Jane, 2/05

The Many Faces of GW

2005-05-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it may seem hard to understand what Bush is trying to say when ever the topic is social security, so as a public service, we here at Political Bits will provide a little explanation of what Bush's different faces mean.
Starting top right and working across:

"Thank you for coming out, social security is in big trouble"
"Now I know you are as puzzled as I look right now, so let me put in in simple terms..."
"In other words, Social security is in big trouble"
"Now I know that scares you"
"Heck, it scares me too, but Cheny said not to worry, we got bigger problems"
"Yatzee ! You sunk my battleship"

Bushism

2005-05-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

"I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the Mother in me." —George W Bush, Washington D.C., April 14, 2005

Home on the Ridge

2005-04-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

We know you all have been wondering what former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge has been up to since he left Washington earlier this year. Apparently not much. While he has lined up board jobs with Home Depot and Savi Technology, we hear he hasn't found an office to rent or hired any staff. This despite interviewing numerous people for the job, of course not personally, he hired people to do his hiring. So what has the former Secretary been up to all this time? Says a friend: "He's playing lots and lots of golf."

Rumsfeld Rumor Rumpus

2005-04-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

The rumor mill is turning, and the latest buzz is that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will be quitting in late summer. His rumored replacement would be former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage, who would just be a match made in heaven! However if Rumsfeld does end up leaving so suddenly, he would be missed around the old Pentagon. Especially by his team of secret government sitcom writers, as well as the Pentagon Book Club he started, their book for summer was going to be "Kite Runner". We wonder how good Armitage could be at sitting around and talking about a book that no one has read!

First Marine

2005-04-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush on Friday nominated Gen. Peter Pace, a Brooklyn-born Vietnam war veteran, to become the first Marine to serve as chairman of the U.S. military's Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Bush said Pace "knows the job well" having served as vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff since 2001. "This is a huge task, even in peacetime," Bush added.

Wait a second, it's peacetime? What's going on in Iraq? This brings up a good question, what designates that a country is at war? We guess if Bush says we're not at War than it must be so, however it sure seems like we still are. The mission hasn't been accomplished, unless we are missing something. Anyways, good luck to Gen. Pace, we recommend he eats his Wheaties!

Quote of the Week

2005-04-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

"I don't think Wisconsin should become known as the state where we shoot cats."
- GOV. JAMES E. DOYLE, of Wisconsin, on a proposal to legalize killing wild cats because they eat too many songbirds

Lets Be Frank

2005-04-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

For US Representative Barney Frank, Gay marriage has always been an important issue. However that has never stoped him from telling a joke or two about the subject. Just last week he kidded that the issue proves a point about guys.

"We have done the one thing for American stand-up comedians, that the heterosexual community could not do: We have validated the premise that men don't want to get married and women do. The disproportionate number of gay marriages have been between women." -Rep. Barney Frank

United Nation Wind Section

2005-04-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

The State Department's former intelligence chief yesterday described John R. Bolton, President Bush's nominee for ambassador to the United Nations, as a "bully" who abused his authority and power, intimidated intelligence analysts, and lulled office mates to sleep with the smooth sounds of his alto-saxophone. Political Bits can think of no one better than a sax playing bully to represent America to the UN. Who knows what could happen if Bolton brings out the big guns and does a duet with his brother Michael? Did some one say peace in the Middle East?

Quote of the (Last) Week

2005-04-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

"He's like all of us—he may have a mixed legacy."
-Former President Clinton, discussing John Paul II's papacy with reporters as he and the first family traveled to Rome for last week's funeral

Capital Matrix

2005-04-11T13:09:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Police on Monday tackled and forcibly dragged away a man with two suitcases who had stationed himself in front of the west side of the U.S. Capitol.

The guy seemed to be dressed as Neo from the Matrix, unfortunately he seemed to lack special powers as he was easily knocked down by the armed police. Watching it live, it looked like this guy could have been easily been taken out by the capital childcare workers, let alone the capital police swat team, but it's always best to not use childcare workers in place of a trained swat team!

Congress may extend daylight-saving time

2005-04-07T10:09:00.001-07:00

Lawmakers crafting energy legislation approved an amendment to extend daylight-saving time by two months, having it start on the first Sunday in March and end on the last Sunday in November. "Extending daylight-saving time makes sense, especially with skyrocketing energy costs," said Rep. Fred Upton

The idea is that people will go to bed "earlier" and thus need to use less electricity on indoor lighting. But does congress know that they can't really change time? What are they going to do next? Make days last 25 hours? Extend the year by an extra month? The extra month could be called April 2.0 or maybe Republicanuary.

Cheney Road Tour

2005-03-30T10:08:00.000-08:00

Lately you may have been wondering where Vice President Cheney has been since the election. Turns out he has been trying to keep a relatively low profile for President Bush's second term and has told friends he was content just being Bush's No. 1 adviser in private. However it looks like all that is about to change.

Bush and senior White House strategists want to drag Cheney away from his undisclosed locations to go on a road tour to promote Social Security restructuring. It makes sense that the administration wants to use Cheney. After all, old people seem to be able to relate to an old recluse, who is grumpy all the time, prone to outbursts, takes naps, and enjoys a good glass of fiber. He should be a big hit! We just hope we can catch the tour, we hear the opening band is "Dexys Midnight Runners" Can't wait!

Quote of the Week

2005-03-29T13:06:00.000-08:00

"You don't believe everything you read in the newspaper, do you?"

- DONALD RUMSFELD, to a reporter

Carville Goes all Bolivian

2005-03-29T13:01:00.000-08:00

Any news about James Carville is good news! A dozen years after his star turn in "The War Room," James Carville is back in "Our Brand Is Crisis," which explores how American political operatives are reshaping campaigns around the globe -- specifically, how Carville and others worked to elect Bolivian President Gonzalo Sanchez de Lozada, in 2002

The movie, directed by Rachel Boynton, is still searching for a distributor but had its New York premiere Saturday, Hopefully someone will pick it up so the rest of the country can see it!

Marine Corps Idol

2005-03-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

Like many other branches of the millitary, the Marine Corps is looking to find soldiers who speak Arabic. However it seems most sources have already been recruited so the Marines are looking for people who may have an aptitude for Languages. Apparently the general who heads the Quantico, Va., training and doctrine base has an idea: chorus lines. Lt. Gen. James Mattis thinks singers have an aptitude for language, so look for corps recruiters to be standing by as contestants are voted off American Idol each week!

Quote of the Week

2005-03-17T21:28:00.000-08:00

"I fear for '06. I don't trust it the way it is right now."
- TERESA HEINZ KERRY,
suggesting that Republicans might manipulate votes in the next election

Congressional Muscle

2005-03-10T14:49:00.000-08:00

Muscle man and ex-baseball player Jose Canseco is going to very lonely, and not because of all the people he pissed off with his recent baseball expose. Apparently the House Government Reform Committee, who has subpoenaed many players in the sport's steroid scandal, has promised Major League Baseball that it won't require current players to testify on March 17. Several have been invited--especially those fingered in Canseco's new book--but only steroid foes like the Dodgers' Jeff Kent are expected to attend. Wow, talk about congress being consistent in holding people accountable!

Quote of the Week

2005-03-10T14:24:00.001-08:00

"I think he's one of the biggest political hacks we have in Washington."
- Sen. Harry Reid, Democratic leader, on Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan

Supermodel named U.N. Ambassador

2005-03-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

The Ethiopian-born supermodel Liya Kebede, best known as the face of cosmetics giant Estee Lauder, has been named an ambassador by the U.N. health agency. Some of her responsibilities will be to show citizens of countries like Ethiopia and the Sudan that "Thin Is In". One condition of her appointment is that she should not stand to close to Kofi Annan and make him look fat! In all seriousness, it is great to get good looking people to be advocates for good causes, that's why Political Bits loves America's Next Top Model so much!

Related Articles:
"Supermodel named UN Ambassador" [CNN]

Jackson's Dept. of Homeland Security

2005-03-07T13:15:00.002-08:00

Right now on CSPAN there is a Congressional confirmation hearing going to select the new Deputy Department of Homeland Security Secretary. The name of this new candidate? Michael Jackson. You know how sometimes the jokes write themselves? When Jackson was asked about why it is important to protect our homeland, his response was:

"I believe the children are our future" -Michael Jackson, Congressional Hearing.

We foresee a tough week ahead for the Jackson's.

Ask Greenspan

2005-03-03T11:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday during Alan Greenspan's monthly congressional question and answer session he warned congress that inaction on Social Security could lead to "stagnation"and called current deficits "unsustainable". Humm... isn't Greenspan just about due to start receiving his retirement checks? We're just saying that he wasn't so worried back when he was in his 50's. However, Greenspan didn't limit his advise to fiscal issues.

In addition to answering economic questions, Greenspan also answered question from the older Congressmen on the best fiber drink (turns out to be Metamusal) as well as which restaurants except AARP discounts (Tony's and Clydes). He also advised that Senator Byrd not be allowed to attend the next Senior trip to the museum of Natural History due to his presence "making all us other old people look like crazys!"

Sighting

2005-03-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

Last night Chelsea Clinton and a friend arrived at the Lower East Side hot spot Freeman's at 11:30 p.m. and were seated immediately, even though they supposedly doesn't take reservations for parties fewer than six. We call it executive daughters privilege.

Quote of the Week

2005-03-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

"You think the Republican National Committee could get this many people of color in a single room? Only if they had the hotel staff in here."
- HOWARD DEAN, Democratic Party chair, speaking in New York

2008 Female Presidential Race

2005-03-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

Could the 2008 presidential race be Condi vs. Hillary? It's possible.

Condi Rice has only been in office a few months but she has apparently done so well during her first two foreign trips that there's new buzz she's blazing a trail to the presidency. The talk started inside Bush circles when a poll came out showing big support for a 2008 White House run by Rice. The speculation is really heating up now that insiders are saying that Vice President Cheney would retire for "health reasons" and be replaced by Rice. "She's the leading Republican
woman in the race," brags a friend. Well that's not that hard, considering Republicans only started letting women into party meetings last year, and only when they bake cookies!

However Condi is not the only one getting ready for 2008!

Five Democrats have begun informal staff interviews for presidential runs. So far, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton is dubbed "the most aggressive" in seeking out aides, followed by Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack. The others are Indiana Sen. Evan Bayh, former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards, and 2004 candidate Sen. John Kerry. Hey no one called Political Bits for an interview!

Oscar Censors

2005-03-01T11:17:00.000-08:00

While you were enjoying the Oscars on Sunday, you may have missed a few things. Apparently the censors were hard at work making the Oscars a PC event. One of the main casualties of the censors was Robin Williams who was to have performed a song lampooning conservative critic James C. Dobson, whose group had criticized cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants. Williams was going to rift on the dark underside of other cartoon characters. However this was too much for the execs at ABC and the bit was extremely watered down. In apparent protest, Williams came on stage with white tape over this mouth. In addition the entire "live" event ran on a tape delay.

Ever since last years Super bowl, networks have been running scared. The new found "correctness" also comes at a time when the government is upping the ante. Earlier this month the U.S. House of Representatives voted to raise the maximum indecency fine to as much as $500,000 from $32,500. It's a good thing the rules don't apply to blogs!

Ridge Joins Home Depot Board

2005-02-28T08:21:00.000-08:00

We are now at Orange alert! Apparently Home Depot is interested in the man who made people have a whole new respect for color codes. The company has appointed just-departed Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge to its board of directors. It is unclear how Ridge's previous job will help Home Depot, but he does have experience marketing duct tape and dust masks.

Nader's Birthday Wish

2005-02-27T08:09:00.000-08:00

Ralph Nader celebrated his 71st birthday on Sunday, and to to celebrate his big day he spent some time.... pleading for money. Apparently he is still deep in debt from his failed Presidential campaigns. To gather support he sent out an e-mail listing 71 reasons why supporters should give money. Reason 10 cites "his non-stop advocacy for the legalization of industrial hemp." Reason 65 says he "is the driving force behind the Tort Museum in his hometown of Winsted, Connecticut."

Oh the Tort Museum, we knew Ralph was behind that one! Now if there only existed a Tart museum, it would be much more delicious!

Slovakian Kiss

2005-02-25T12:23:00.000-08:00

A handshake would have been fine!

Quote of the Week

2005-02-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

"We now have more people in the business of preparing tax returns than we have in the army."
-VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY, speaking to conservatives

I think that's a statement everyone can get behind. Simpler taxes and a stronger military. There is only one problem, we don't think accountants would make very good soldiers. Next thing you know, we'll be charging into North Korea to give it an AUDIT!

Politics and Hollywood Collide

2005-02-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

Usually Hollywood uses Washington for inspired movie action, but now studios and stars are applying cutthroat political campaign strategies once reserved for Washington to win the Oscar. The latest twist: Washington-trained campaign strategists have been hired for the battle for best actress. Insiders say they're involved in a vicious whispering, E-mail, and rumor campaign to help--or sink-- Hilary Swank, star of Warner Bros.' Million Dollar Baby, and Annette Bening, star of Sony's Being Julia. It's so hot, according to Newsweek reports, that the attacks could lead to a surprise upset. Vegas odds makers beware!

Secret Bush Tapes

2005-02-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Apparently some private conversations of George W. Bush were secretly recorded and are just now being released to the public. The conversations were recorded by Doug we'd, a former aide to George W. Bush's father, beginning in 1998, when Bush was weighing a presidential bid, until just before the Republican National Convention in 2000. The tapes show Bush crafting a strategy for navigating the tricky political waters between Christian conservative and secular voters, repeatedly worrying that evangelicals would be angered by a refusal to bash gays and that secular Americans would be turned off by meetings with evangelical leaders.

On one tape, Bush explains that he told one prominent evangelical that he would not "kick gays, because I'm a sinner. How can I differentiate sin?"

Bush also criticizes then-Vice President Al Gore for admitting marijuana use and explains why he would not do the same.

"I wouldn't answer the marijuana questions, you know why? Because I don't want some little kid doing what I tried." -President Bush

This was first reported by the Nw York Times, but it is amazing how quickly this story has disappeared, especially since the Whitehouse all but directly confirmed that the report was true! Now we know that Gore and Bush have two things in common, smoking, and winning the popular vote!

Department of Homeland Republicans

2005-02-17T09:20:00.000-08:00

Former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge met privately with Republican pollsters twice in a 10-day span last spring as he embarked on more than a dozen trips to presidential battleground states, according to records obtained recently by The Associated Press under the Freedom of Information Act.

Ridge maintains that his meetings with Republican strategists Frank Luntz and Bill McInturff had nothing to do with Bush's re-election campaign.

"We don't do politics in the Department of Homeland Security"
-Ridge told reporters during the election season.

Strange then that the records were not released until after the election season and after Ridge left office. Ok maybe the Department of Homeland security wanted to know which presidential candidate was polling better so they knew who to protect better. If they knew Bush was going to win, why waste money protecting the looser? Or maybe Ridge was just self conscious and wanted to know what the public thought of his new hair cut. We may never know.

Bush Gate

2005-02-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

After four and a half years we finally we have a Bushgate, though it turns out not to be on par with Watergate. Apparently Laura Bush and daughter Barbara (in sunglasses) made an impromptu visit yesterday to "The Gates," the massive piece of artwork consisting of 7,500 16-foot-high frames along 23 miles of park paths costing over $20 million. They decided to take in the installation by the artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude while the first lady was visiting a friend in New York. I guess the project is something the Bush's can really relate too, wasting millions of dollars that could have done a lot of good else where.

Obama and the Common Man

2005-02-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

While flying on United Airlines from Chicago to Washington on Monday night, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) was apparently offered an upgrade to move up to the first-class cabin from his seat in economy. Reportedly he turned down the flight attendant's gesture, remaining with the commoners and saying: "I'm fine here -- we're going to have a nice discussion" It's nice to hear when a politician doesn't let his position of power go to his head, or maybe he didn't want to be over charged by the in flight bar, everyone knows that economy is the only one offered the cheap stuff!

Stamps Honor

2005-02-10T10:33:00.000-08:00

Joining the prestigious ranks of the Muppets and Barbie, Ronald Reagan now has his very own commemorative stamp. The 37-cent stamp was unveiled Wednesday in ceremonies around the country, including at the Ronald Reagan Building International Trade Center in Washington, DC.

We remember back in the day when getting on a US Postage Stamp was a big deal, but it now seems that literally anyone can make one of themselves. Anyone can go online and print up a real US postage stamp with any digital picture they want. Unfortunately, to make a stamp of the picture above would end up costing $1.50, some would say making a stamp of a picture of stamp is wasteful, we say the extra $1.13 is worth the fun you will have, but you don't have to take our word for it! [Stamps.com]

Dean Last Man Standing

2005-02-08T06:25:00.000-08:00

Howard Dean, the former presidential candidate and governor of Vermont, is expected to win the upcoming DNC chairmanship at the election February 12. His last remaining opponent, former congressman Tim Roemer, said Monday he's bowing out of the race.

So since Dean's election is now only a formality, Political Bits would like to bring you a preview of what to expect from the new DNC.

DNC will now stand for "Dean's New Country" or "Dean's Needlepoint and Crochet"
All Democrat's will wear decoder rings
Mandatory Yodeling classes
Employing a party Magician
Dean will write a weekly dear Abby column in US Weekly
The Unicorn will now be the Official Party Animal

Frankly, we can't wait!

No Cheney 2008

2005-02-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

Vice President Dick Cheney said Sunday in no uncertain terms that he will not run for the White House in 2008, even if asked directly by Bush.

"I will say just as hard as I possibly know how to say ... 'If nominated, I will not run,' 'If elected, I will not serve,' or not only no, but Hell no! I've got my plans laid out. I'm going to serve this president for the next four years, and then I'm out of here" Cheney said.

When asked why he was not interested in running Cheney said,

"I didn't want to do those things I'd have to do."

At the risk of sounding obvious, Political Bits has a question?
What more is there to do? Doesn't he run the show? Oh and isn't he next in line if some thing were to happen to Bush? Good thing there's still Carl Rove!

State of the Union

2005-02-02T14:33:00.000-08:00

Betting Lines - State Of The Union

Over/under on standing ovations (partial or full): 98.

O/U on GOP-only standing ovations: 11.

O/U on uses of the phrase "personal accounts": 13.

O/U on "private accounts": 2, both slips.

O/U on "freedom": 23.

O/U on "liberty": 18.

O/U on number of times camera shows Bill Frist picking his teeth with a scalpel: 1.

O/U on number of times the Fox post-speech show mentions something Hillary did: 24.

O/U on number of times Bush mentions the phrase "spending freeze": 5.

O/U on number of times someone stands up and yells "Bullshit!": 0.

O/U on number of times someone should: 196.5.

(Stay Tuned for More Coverage)

Hillary Falls, Can't Get Up

2005-02-01T07:54:00.000-08:00

We would be remised if we didn't mention Hillary Clinton's fall yesterday. Her staff blamed it on a stomach virus that many of her staffers apparently had come down with.

So a virus that makes you fall down? Was everyone falling all over the place, or is falling limited to the people who are in power? Could this physical fall mark the beginning of Hillarys figurative fall from grace?

With the possibility of the repeal of the 22nd amendment, the American people may no longer need this Clinton, and the Clinton 2008 stickers she had printed up can just be used by Bill!

Affleck Costs Democrats the Election

2005-02-01T07:23:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows that the Hollywood types always like to give their endorsements during political campaigns, but do all those endorsements have any effect? A group called Citizens United thinks so, but not in a positive way! The group is renting several billboards around the Kodak Theater, the site of the Academy Awards, with ads “thanking” stars who’ve spoken out against George W. Bush — and crediting them with helping the president get re-elected. The group is going to be specific too, calling out stars like Whoopi Goldberg, Ben Affleck, Michael Moore, Chevy Chase, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Sean Penn.

We knew it, an endorsement from Ben Affleck spells political disaster! That's why we turned down his endorsement of Political Bits! However we still think an endorsement from Whoopi Goldberg is good for the block and the win (But only when playing Hollywood Squares!)

First Daughter

2005-01-28T14:49:00.000-08:00

Who is the wild side of the Bush Daughter Duo Dating? (it's called alliteration, get used to it) The young man who keeps showing up by Jenna's side during inaugural events and at the Georgetown bar Smith Point happens to be Henry Hager. Richmond's Style Weekly reported yesterday that his father is John H. Hager, Virginia's first director of homeland security, former lieutenant governor, and most recently the assistant secretary of education. Come on folks, these Republican dynasty's don't just make themselves!

As for some advise to the young Henry on how to deal with dating the first daughter, we refer to the seminal works on the subject "First Daughter" staring Katie Holmes and "Chasing Liberty" with Mandy More. We have learned that you can't sneak in the window of the White House, and that you don't mess with the secret service. We assure you that we only watched these movies for research, honest.

Congressional Switcheroo

2005-01-27T16:15:00.000-08:00

Now it may be the cold talking but lately there has been talk on Capital Hill of nothing short of an overhaul of the Constitution. We all know that major legislation is always preceded by major deal making so here is how political strategist speculate the deal would go down: Congressional Democrats would pass a constitutional amendment allowing naturalized citizens like California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for president, if Republicans help kill the 22nd Amendment barring third terms, thus clearing the way for another bid by Bill Clinton and, presumably, President Bush. Expect to see the deal making begin this Spring when Sen. Orrin Hatch is set to reintroduce his plan to let naturalized citizens run for president. A country where a wealthy ex-drug user, who you can barely understand, can run for president? Who would have imagined that?

A Clear Plan for Social Security

2005-01-25T13:24:00.000-08:00

Want to know what Bush plans to do about Social Security?
He was asked about his agenda for Social Security, and whether he would just be laying out general principles and leaving the details to Congress. Here is what he said verbatim during an interview with the Wall Street Journal (It takes him a while to get rolling but stay with us)

"That's part of -- that's part of the advice my new National Economic Council head will be giving me as to whether or not we need to -- here is the plan, or here is an idea for a plan, or why don't you just fix it. I suspect given my nature, I'll want to be -- the White House will be very much involved with -- I have an obligation to lead on this issue -- I think this will be an administrative-driven idea -- to take it on. And therefore, that that be the case, I have the responsibility to provide the political cover necessary for members, I have the responsibility to make the case if there is a problem, and I have the responsibility to lay out potential solutions. Now, to the specificity of which, we'll find out -- you'll find out with time."

Political Bits can sum up what Bush was trying to say in eight words “I don’t know what position to take yet.” Now we know that good policy and clear communication don’t necessarily have to go hand in hand. However for a guy who sells himself as a "straight talker from Texas" he sure has gotten good at that political speak we hear so much about!

Rumsfeld May Call it Quits

2005-01-25T13:23:00.000-08:00

Word on the street is that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld may finally be calling it quits. It seems that as soon as the Iraqi elections are over, Rumsfeld feels he has an opportunity to exit on a positive note. Candidates for Pentagon posts are being told by President Bush's second-term transition team that the situation at Defense will be sorted out by May. Well, at least the administration is willing to put a timeline on SOMETHING!

Bush's Zinger

2005-01-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

Saturday Night the "famous for Washington" crowd braved the east coast snow storm and gathered at the Capital Hilton for the 91st meeting of the exclusive Alfalfa Club. The Washington traditional diner and joke fest was attended by Bush along with other politicians from both sides of the aisle. The Alfalfa Club was named for the plant whose roots would "do anything for a drink" and has absolutely no other purpose than to throw a really big, exclusive, no-press-allowed party once a year. During Bush's comments he managed to sneak in a few jokes.

" 'Boy, that speech in Iowa was something else,' Bush said, referring to Howard Dean's shooting episode. 'Talk about shock and awe. Saddam Hussein felt so bad for Governor Dean that he offered him his hole.'

" 'Then we have Senator Kerry. I think Kerry's position on the war in Iraq is politically brilliant. In New Hampshire yesterday, he stated he had voted for the war, adding that he was strongly opposed to it.'

We just hope Bush hasn't used up all his jokes in one place because this is just the first of a series of appearances to fulfill his duty as Jester-and-chief. The Gridiron dinner is March 6; the Radio and Television Correspondents dinner is March 24; and the White House Correspondents Association dinner is May 1. However the president wasn't the only one who got to crack a few jokes. In the bipartisan spirit, Vernon Jordan, friend of Bill Clinton, offered some jokes in his speech as outgoing president of the club.

" 'Mr. President, I feel like I'm at one of your Cabinet meetings -- a blind man in a room full of deaf people. . . . Before I hand over my presidency to my successor, let me take a moment, regardless of whether we are Christian, Jew or Muslim, and thank the Almighty, the one who controls our destiny as a nation -- Karl Rove.'"

George's Inaugural

2005-01-20T13:38:00.000-08:00

As the inauguration approaches, many people may be getting excited for another inaugural speech (ok that may be a bit of a stretch, but at the very least people are excited for a chance for Bush to say something funny). Throughout time, many of our countries greatest phrases have come during this poignant beginning to a presidents new term. There have been such classics as "Ask not what your country can do for you..." and "Government is not the solution..." The tradition dates all the way back to the first George W. However, They haven't all been gems.

Take for example George Washington's second inauguration speech where he basically just gave himself stage directions: "The Constitution requires an oath of office. This oath I am now about to take, and in your presence." This would have been great for a blind person, unfortunately none were aloud to attend, do to the since repealed law "Section 257".

Really the standard was Kennedy's 1961 speech by which all others will be compared. However we don't need a Kennedy-esque speech out of Bush for it to be a success this time around. It's so cold in Washington, it will be a success if he can just manage to avoid catching a cold. Remember good old William Henry Harrison?

[Stay Tuned For More Inauguration Day Coverage]

Sunny Inauguration

2005-01-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

Most of the people who helped by contributing to the $40 million raised for the inauguration ceremonies just wanted to help Bush celebrate in style, but it seems that some donors may have had ulterior motives. Remember the Reverend Sun Myung Moon? He is the controversial head of the Unification Church, whose followers are sometimes derisively called Moonies. Mr. Moon reportedly gave the maximum $250,000 towards the Bush bash.

According to CultNews' Rick Ross "Don't be surprised if George W. Bush pumps out a last-minute pardon for Rev. Moon on his tax-fraud conviction just before leaving the White House. After all, Reverend Moon has been very good to the Bush family and he may think they owe him one.

If Political Bits had known that all it takes to clean a criminal record is $250,000 we would have at least had a fundraiser or something for Bobby Brown ages ago

I'll Have Some Rice on the Side

2005-01-18T13:50:00.000-08:00

Today Secretary of State-designate Condoleezza Rice went before the senate to defended her integrity and honesty as she clashed with senators about the Bush administration's justification for the Iraq war.

In a particularly heated exchange, California Democrat Sen. Barbara Boxer argued that the Bush administration had shifted its justification for the war because it had failed to find stocks of biological and chemical weapons it had asserted were there.

"You sent them in there because of weapons of mass destruction. Later the mission changed when there were none," Boxer told Rice. "Let's not rewrite history, it's too soon to do that."

That's a good point, but if the person who wrote the history was Bush, it may be appropriate do a little editing, at least for spelling and punctuation. We don't want our allies thinking we are idiots, writing our history in marker on a ripped piece of notebook paper. We're America, we have spell checkers and laser jet printers!

Of course John Kerry couldn't stay out of the conversation adding...

"We went in to rescue Iraq from Saddam Hussein, now I think we have to rescue our policy from ourselves, I don't take any joy in this but it's ... the reality we've got to deal with."

Hold on John Kerry... if you can't take a little joy in THIS then your doing it for all the wrong reasons. Maybe it's time to go back to Massachusetts.

Poll Poll Poll

2005-01-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

Political Bits has been wondering, where have all the polls gone? During the election season, not a day went by without some new poll, but since the election... nothing! How are the American people supposed to know what they are thinking (within the margin of error)? Fear not fellow pollophiles, the Washington Post has come out with a new poll. And what have we learned from this statistically significant questionnaire? Well.. nothing actually, it seems that nothing has changed since they last did the poll.

President Bush will begin his second term in office without a clear mandate to lead the nation, with strong disapproval of his policies in Iraq and the public both hopeful and dubious about his leadership on the issues that will dominate his agenda, according to a Washington Post-ABC News poll.

On second thought, I guess we were ok without another poll. Get back to us when the American people start paying attention to the political process again. On a similar note, the Washington has fired all it's statisticians, they can expect to be rehired in 2008.

Inaugurations of Yore

2005-01-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

Oh how we long for simpler times! The upcoming Presidential inauguration is expected to cost upward of 40 million dollars. Given the amount of good even half this amount of money could do to help with the suffering domestically and internationally, $40 million is a bit extreme. What ever happened to the days when a presidents inauguration was a simple affair?

Take Grover Cleveland as an example, his 2nd party only cost $50,000 and they reused the decorations from the first time around. And do you remember Rutherford Hayes' 1877 inauguration? it was held as a private ceremony attended by only a half dozen people because the date fell on a Sunday. Imagine the money they saved on catering.

I guess lavish inaugurations are a sign of the times, after all, Clinton did have international super star Michael Jackson perform at his party. That gives me an idea, Bush could save some major money if he just hired Jackson as his entertainment, I bet he could get a good rate.

Jacksonville is Special

2005-01-17T10:07:00.000-08:00

The Navy is considering mothballing the Kennedy, one of two remaining carriers that are not nuclear-powered, and closing down its home base in Jacksonville Florida. During a recent Presidential visit, several Florida GOP heavyweights including: the president's brother, Gov. Jeb Bush; Sen. Mel R. Martinez; Rep. Ander Crenshaw; and Jacksonville Mayor John Peyton tried to stress the importance of the Jacksonville area Navy base.

"So there I was with the senator, the congressman, the mayor and the governor,and guess what we talked about? We talked about the importance of Jacksonville,Florida, to the security of the United States of America," said President Bush

Look, I think Jacksonville is important too! But only because that's where the Super Bowl is going to be this year, other than that, it's a pretty much useless! Something tells me though that the base won't be shut down, there are to many special interests and connections. If only Political Bits had the same type of connection, we could mothball all other legitimate sources of political news and take over the political landscape, alas... Political Bits brother is not the President of the United States, nor are we a legitimate source of news.

Homeland "Party" Security

2005-01-11T18:28:00.000-08:00

Apparently the Bush administration recently told the city of DC they would need to cover inauguration costs by diverting $12m from their homeland security fund. We guess whenever the Bush administration talks about protecting the homeland, they really mean protecting the extravagant party we are throwing ourselves. We know budgets can be complicated things, but that just sounds bad! The Bushies have already raised millions to pay for most of the inauguration celebration, and four years ago they didn't make the city foot the bill, so what are they spending all the extra money on this time around? Looks like everyone's getting their very own Stetson.

Related Articles:
"U.S. Tells D.C. to Pay Inaugural Expenses" [WPost]

You Can't Spell DNC without Dean

2005-01-11T17:55:00.000-08:00

Former Vermont Gov, Presidential Candidate, and lounge singer Howard Dean announced Tuesday that he will run for the chairmanship of the Democratic National Committee. Dean made his announcement through his "blog" and called upon his supporters to help make a difference, even though last time their help really didn't make a difference at all. Dean vowed to "Work harder this time to enunciate" to which he added, "Yeawheeeeee..."
Political Bits wonders if this new undertaking of Dean's makes him more or less relevant, however it definitely leaves hope for all those other previous governor, presidential candidate, lounge singers who are meticulously planning their come backs.
Keep the hope alive Howell Cobb!

Tsunami 2008

2005-01-11T15:39:00.000-08:00

In circles around Washington, there has been a buzz in the air about how President Bush teamed Secretary of State Colin Powell and Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, his brother, for last week's tsunami fact-finding mission. Some Bush Administration and Democratic insiders believe the president was signaling his dream team for the next presidential election. "Was this the first campaign trip for the '08 ticket, Bush-Powell?" nudged a senior administration official. Said another Bushie: "Yeah. It's a good fit." Even Democrats got the message. "How obvious was that? " smirked a former top aide to the Kerry campaign. Excuse me... didn't a huge worldwide tragedy just take place? The comments from both sides seem to be in extremely bad taste. Politicians should focus on helping people in times of trouble, not spinning it for their political future.

Related:
"Help out by donating to the Red Cross" [Red Cross]

LeiberCanadian

2005-01-10T16:13:00.000-08:00

Bobs Newswire has uncovered evidence suggesting Senator Joseph Lieberman may find his ancestry's roots in the Great White North. The person on the new Canadian five dollar bill has a strange resemblance. I think they are on to something, for example, just the other day we noticed that the picture on the new Iraqi bills looks strangely like Saddam.... oh wait, that must be a mistake.

Blast from Christmas Past

2004-12-25T14:05:00.000-08:00

Now that the election season is completely over, and the New Year is approaching, it is natural to start to get a little nostalgic for days gone by. It was only four years ago that we as Americans were treated to a bonus round of elections during the drawn out recount of 2000. Let us reflect on some of the highlights of that glorious moment in American History.

Most scarring campaign imagery: Being confronted with Al Gore's sexuality. It was bad enough that Tipper felt the need to tell us her husband likes to sleep in the nude, let alone having to watch them go at it on national television.
Worst cover-up: The Band-Aid George W. Bush sported after breaking out in boils on election night.
Lamest Gore exaggeration: Telling union workers that his mother used to lull him to sleep by singing "Look for the Union Label," a song that was not written until he was 27.
Most glaring example of the need for new education standards: During the campaign, George W. Bush's Web site stated that the No. 3 priority of the campaign was "Putting Education First."
Lowest point of the post-election media feeding frenzy : The broadcasting of live aerial footage of the Florida ballot convoy making its way to Tallahassee. Even O.J. Simpson found it "boring," saying, "Now I know what people went through when they were trying to watch the basketball game and my Bronco was going up the freeway."
Most unfortunate Bush campaign moment: Mispronouncing subliminal as "subliminable" four consecutive times during an exchange with reporters.
And speaking of "subliminable", Most animated presidential endorsement: During the trademark chalkboard gag at the beginning of the Nov. 5 episode of the The Simpsons, Bart wrote: "I will not plant subliminal messagores."

And a Happy New Year!

2004-12-25T13:53:00.000-08:00

In honor of the Holidays, we at Political Bits want to take a look at some of the differences between our political friends. With out further adieu, "What Republicans and Democrats Say"

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers.

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too... all year round.

Republican Fun

2004-12-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

Political Bits has been been getting a lot of email lately about the anti- administration tone of recent posts. Well... since there isn't exactly a Kerry administration to speak of, the Bushies are the ones with the spot light on them. But don't worry, whenever Kerry or his friends at the DNC come out of hiding, Political Bits will be there to pick up the pieces!

Rumsfeld's Tour of Duty

2004-12-21T13:40:00.000-08:00

The Secretary of Defense has set out on a world wide publicity tour to set the record straight on himself and the Bush administration. This is in light of the recent news that the majority of Americans in two polls believe Rumsfeld should no longer be in office, 70% say casualties in Iraq are "unacceptable", and the Bush disapproval rating at 49%. Leave it to good old Rumsfeld to take the heat and really go out there for the Administration, unfortunately he got a little lost along the way.

Rumsfeld's first tour stop was to sign some keepsake Baghdad road signs taken during the invasion. Unfortunately they were never replaced on the roads and his convoy got lost on the way into town from the airport. That's always our excuse when we get lost on the way to the airport, "Those damn signs were taken during the last invasion!" Now if Rumsfeld could only make the road signs in the Blue states disappear, no one would ever be able to find their way to Logan or Newark (It's hard enough as it is!)

How To Not Say No

2004-12-21T13:18:00.000-08:00

After almost four full years in the Whitehouse, President Bush has gotten the art of how to not answer questions down to a science. Here are a few examples of what Bush doesn't have to say on some important issues:

"Well again, I will repeat, don't bother to ask me," Bush said in response to a question about what "tough measures" might need to be taken to establish private Social Security accounts. "Oh, you can ask me. I shouldn't, I can't tell you what to ask, it's not the holiday spirit." But I'm not going to answer, so don't waste your time: "I will negotiate at the appropriate time with the law writers, and so thank you for trying."

On the question of how long American troops will remain in Iraq, Bush said, "The best people that reflect the answer to that question are people like Abizaid and Casey who are right there on the ground." On the Middle East peace process, Bush said, effectively, don't get your hopes up, but the Palestinians are the ones with the answer: "But I'm realistic about how to achieve peace, and it starts with my understanding that there will never be peace until a true democratic state emerges in the Palestinian territory."

Though it is easy enough to find out positions eventually from other Administration members, it would be nice to hear a few things straight out of the horses mouth. Maybe Bush could start with baby steps by confirming what the press core lunch menu will be for next week!

GE Politics

2004-12-20T22:55:00.000-08:00

The king of the business world will apparently not be the king of politics, at least not anytime soon. Former General Electric chairman Jack Welch has ruled out taking a key government position like, say, Treasury secretary. According to Welch, "First I would hate the work and, secondly, I have a little scandal, I was married and I fell in love with another woman and I married her, so I don't want to have that dragged around again, for another week, month. That's silly." Hey Jack, that political baggage is nothing, people have overcome much worse!

Tom Ridge the comedian

2004-12-20T22:42:00.000-08:00

Tom Ridge may be preparing to transition out of Bush's cabinet and into a job as a professional comedian. When Tom Ridge flew to Los Angeles to meet firefighters last week, the lame duck Homeland Security chief had prepared some jokes to try and warm up the crowd, but they apparently were not well received by his staff when he tested them out. Here is one of the worst ones "Good afternoon. I thought I was coming to Hollywood to audition to be the next James Bond." And: "Studio said I don't have the right accent. . . . Well, I can fix that. I just hired a new speech coach, Governor Schwarzenegger. . . . I told the studio, 'I'll be back.' " Tom Ridge may want to keep looking for a new job. People laughed harder at his color coded scale!

Food-For-Oil

2004-12-20T09:24:00.000-08:00

You know the oil for food scandal is getting bad when even the people at Fox News think something bad is going on! Bill O'Reilly said that American soldiers may be dying in Iraq because of it, according to Fox News's Fred Barnes it's "the biggest scandal in human History." detractors say it proves that the United Nations is a failed, incompetent institution. Senators on Capital Hill are calling for Kofi Annan's resignation. The issue is what Saddam Hussein did with $21 billion in illegal profits from 1990 to 2003 made while evading U.N. sanctions. The real problem is that Annan is really the lesser of the evils. The
scariest thing may be who replaces him!

Jenna Bush, Back to School

2004-12-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

Jenna Bush is going back to school. It seems that the young miss Bush has decided to start her career teaching young underprivileged children at an iner-city school in Washington, DC. My question is how she will accomplish this with only an undergraduate degree? Don't you have to have a teaching certificate or something? Oh well, I guess she does have some connections. And what exactly could she teach the children, the best places to get sloshed in Georgetown? Believe us Jenna, they already know!

Lieber"no"man

2004-12-15T10:49:00.000-08:00

Democratic Sen. Joe Lieberman has been playing hard to get lately, and Bush is starting to feel a little rejected. Lieberman has twice said "no" when approached about the possibility of a major job in the second Bush administration. Most recently the Cabinet vacancy at the Department of Homeland Security. It seems old Joe is content to spend his days in the Senate, kibitzing with his meshpuchah. However the Bush administration is still holding its breath that maybe by the 8th night of Chanukah, Lieberman will be in such great holiday spirits that he will finally come around. Hey Bush, I wouldn't hold your "otem", and if you still don't understand, brush up on your yiddish.

Related Articles:
"Sources: Lieberman rejects White House overtures" [CNN]

Funny Money

2004-12-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

We have all heard that incessant complaining about our countries growing deficit. But no one ever has any solutions... Until now. The folks at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing have an idea for cutting the trade deficit. They got Congress to OK a provision in the intelligence reform bill to let them rent out their presses to print foreign currency. In the past, the bureau had to turn down potential jobs from Kuwait and Mexico and taxpayers had to paid a foreign company $80 million to print Iraq's new currency. Now at long last we can go about printing the groizkees, shlazikasas, and zoidalslaps for all those third world countries. (Ok that last currency was made up... or was it?)

Whole Sale President

2004-12-14T22:27:00.000-08:00

I seems that Ex-President Jimmy Carter has found some time to write his 19th book, in between building homes for the poor and attending Library openings. And while other Presidents like Clinton prefer to hawk their books at places like Borders, and Barnes & Noble, Carter likes to sell his books in bulk. President Carter will be touring the country's Sams Club's and CostCo's to sell and sign copies of his new book. In the future, look for the new ten pack so ALL your friends can get the worst holiday gift ever!

Al Sharpton's My Friend

2004-12-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

We all know that Al Sharpton is special to the Democratic party, but apparently he was really special to John Kerry. Special in that, I'll pay you money to be my friend kind of way! The Democratic National Committee paid Sharpton $86,000 in travel and consulting fees to compensate for his campaigning for Kerry, according to reports to the Federal Election Commission. No only that, but all the other Democrats like Wesley Clark, Bob Graham, Dick Gephardt and Dennis Kucinich who often campaigned with Kerry, got nadda!

Related Articles:
"Sharpton Was Paid to Campaign for Kerry" [WPost]

The Nativity: Pop Culture Edition

2004-12-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

Visitors may be a little confused when they pass by this rendition of the Christmas nativity in London. You see it has been updated slightly with Australian pop star Kylie Minogue hovering above the crib as an angel while "Posh Spice" Victoria is dressed up as Mary and lays her shawled head on soccer star David Beckham's shoulder.

Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the Duke of Edinburgh star as The Three Wise Men (A bit of a stretch). The shepherds are played by Hollywood star Samuel L. Jackson, British actor Hugh Grant and camp Irish comedian Graham Norton. This takes the Nativity to a whole new level, needless to say, the Alglican Church is up in arms about the display. Oh and by the way, all the people are only wax sculptures of the real celebrities (the display was done by Madame Tussaud's) we just hope they don't melt!

Tony Blair, the Duke of Edinburgh, and George W. Bush

It Takes Some Intelligence

2004-12-07T14:24:00.000-08:00

The intelligence-reform bill, which the House and Senate seem finally on the verge of passing, doesn't really reform much. Certainly it falls far short of the measures urged by the 9/11 commission, which set the legislative process in motion.

The commission's main proposal was to create a new national intelligence director, who would coordinate and control the vast, disparate, and sometimes quarrelsome array of federal departments, agencies, and sub-agencies that comprise the U.S. "intelligence community."

However the new post will likely be a figurehead, at best someone like the chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers, at worst a thin new layer of bureaucracy, and in any case nothing like the locus of decision-making and responsibility that the 9/11 commission had in mind.

Latin Vacation

2004-12-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, his wife, and entourage weren't expecting much last month on vacation when they checked into the Presidente Hotel in San Salvador, El Salvador. That is, until they saw that a beauty contest was underway near the hotel pool. Rummy revealed that when he and the missus got to their room, they sat out on the balcony, apparently hoping to see the competitors for the "Miss Latina"contest. But when a big-muscled, well-oiled man dressed in an Aztec costume, competing for "Mr. Latin," strutted out instead, Rummy got up and moved to a room with no view.

Supreme Court Press

2004-12-01T18:46:00.000-08:00

I know the proceedings of the Supreme Court can be boring, however when they start to talk about Girls Basketball things can get interesting, well... not so much interesting, as funny! A bunch of grumpy old Justices is a prescription for fun!

Justice Souter said. "Unless we allow whistle-blowers to bring a private right of action, this whole statute is a dead letter." Thomas replies that in Birmingham "we are very conscientious about the administration of our programs, trust me!" to which Justice Ginsburgh snaps back " 'Trust me' is not an answer, when you are telling a sixth-grader she can't play on a team."

In perhaps the single greatest moment of the 2005 term, Justice Stephen Breyer then interrupts Thomas to inquire: "Can I ask you a legal question?"

Umm... Hello? it's the Supreme Court! Isn't everything a legal question?

Military Draft?

2004-12-01T17:44:00.000-08:00

Want to know what Bush's position on having a military draft is?

"After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week—we will have an all-volunteer army. Let me restate that." -President George W. Bush, November 16th 2004

Glad we could clear that one up!

$10,000 Martini

2004-12-01T15:27:00.001-08:00

The landmark Algonquin Hotel in New York City has added a $10,000 martini to its menu. The hotel where famed wit Dorothy Parker and fellow literary heavy weights often hold court offers the martini, complete with a loose diamond at the bottom. Paying that much for a martini seems steep, even given the diamond. The bar is really just getting into the jewelry business. Executives everywhere are dreaming about getting away with the best expense account item ever!

Tom Ridge Alert

2004-11-30T13:36:00.000-08:00

So it is now official, Tom Ridge is resigning from his job as Secretary of Homeland Security. Lets take a few moments to reflect on what exactly he has accomplished during his short tenure. Umm... Well... there was that nice color warning system. I'm sure he did something to make us all safer? Oh yeah, he was a crossing guard at Oak Ridge elementary school every Wednesday and Friday. Needless to say, talk has already turned to who will replace Ridge. Asa Hutchinson, the undersecretary for border and transportation security, is a potential candidate. He has maintained a fairly high profile, but has drawn criticism from both parties for comments he has made on immigration. There is nothing better than a person who hates immigrants to keep us all a little safer from foreigners.

Happy Thanksgiving

2004-11-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

In case you didn't wake up early enough for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, here is basically all you missed. Some local marching bands, an oversized Bigbird, and shameless self-promotion by "The Worlds Largest Department Store." Noticeably absent from all the floats were major New York politicians, the organizers went a different direction by placing every daytime soup star in the New York area on some type of moving float.

Giving Thanks For SpongeBob

2004-11-25T11:46:00.000-08:00

Breaking Thanksgiving news! As people across the country are relaxing, watching football and eating their turducken, oversized figures of SpongeBob Squarepants were being swiped in three different states. Police in Michigan, Minnesota and Utah are on the lookout for spongenappers who clipped a six-foot Squarepants, as well as various other sized versions. No ransom note was left in Sheboygan -- although in Minnesota, the list of demands includes ten Crabby Patties for SpongeBob's return. After some shrewd negotiations between police and a lawyer, a SpongeBob from Bad Axe, Michigan, has been returned home, slightly the worse for wear. (It's a slow news day)

Chilean Rug Sales

2004-11-24T18:35:00.000-08:00

President Bush and Russian President Putin went a little too far for Mexican food night at the APEC conference of nations in Chile. Either that or they are working as Persian rug salesmen.

Inaugural Bliss

2004-11-24T12:22:00.000-08:00

Don't have plans for the presidential inauguration yet? Have no fear, local Washington Hotels may have the right package for you!

The Fairmont's "President for a Day" Includes: Two actors posing as Secret Service agents to "guard" you during your stay, Beluga caviar and Dom Perignon "state reception" for 10 in the presidential suite, chauffeured Rolls-Royce to and from an inaugural ball, in-room massages and other salon services for "The President" and "First Lady." Price: $10,000 per night. (Still available.)
"The Hay-Adams Inauguration Package," four nights, Jan. 19-23. Includes: Cristal champagne upon arrival, a Cadillac sedan on call 24 hours, in-room salon services for one day, presidential cuff links and a Tiffany commemorative keepsake. Price: $25,000 (sorry, this one is booked).
The Ritz-Carlton's "Presidential Package 2005," four nights, Jan. 17-21. Includes: First-class airfare to and from Washington; a $20,000 set of luggage from Saks Fifth Avenue, packed before you travel by a hotel-supplied butler; 24-hour on-call chauffeur and personal massage therapist; "daily selection from the hotel's extensive menu of butler-drawn baths"; his and hers ballroom garb from Saks, including white gold diamond earrings and necklace; two tickets to one of the official inaugural balls -- and two weekend stays per year until Inauguration 2009. Price: $150,000 (big surprise, still available).

PolitiCoats

2004-11-24T11:48:00.000-08:00

Who ever said that Kerry can't still have some influence over the masses. It seems that Kerry's campaign trademark, his wheat-colored Timberland barncoat, has caused a spike in sales of the jackets. "It does seem to be getting a biglift," says Woolrich marketing director Tim Joseph. Barn coat sales typically dropoff when winter arrives, but not this year. "We are somewhat inclined to attribute to the fact that there was a fashion push on this with Kerry," says Joseph. Wow, Politics dictating fashion?

Quote of the Week

2004-11-24T11:44:00.000-08:00

Why Senators need to be replaced when they reach a certain age.

"Now we've got 15 or 17 of the them, and you can't shut them up."

Sen. Fritz Hollings, retiring Democrat, referring to women in talking about changes during his 38 years in the Senate.

Clinton Library

2004-11-18T15:41:00.000-08:00

All the most famous politicians from across the country have converged on Little Rock Arkansaw to celebrate the opening of the Brand New Clinton Presidential Library. The star studded event is filled with the likes of Bono and other party faithfuls. However the event is not only limited to democrat's, the whole Bush clan was in attendance. GW Bush gave a few remarks to the crowd, saying that his visit marked two firsts, the first time he has visited Little Rock, and the first time he has visited a Library. The Library itself is a huge glass structure that sticks out over a nearby river. For only $7 a person, visitors can get a condensed version of the presidents impeachment and other great accomplishments of Clintons two terms in office. Noticeably absent from the installations is Clintons love for McDonald's, maybe they will eventually add a food court.

Lincoln's Hat

2004-11-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

Here's proof that nothing is sacred in American politics. A new "scholarly" work about former President Abraham Lincoln, being published by Simon & Schuster in February, suggests that Honest Abe was gay. Author C. A. Tripp writes that Lincoln even wrote a poem about two men getting married. As you would expect, some people beg to differ on this account. Historians are rushing to protest. Joan Flinspach, president of Indiana's Lincoln Museum, says: "The evidence is circumstantial." However this may be the first explanation for the top-hat and bow tie he wore all the time!

Sunday Egg in Your Face

2004-11-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

James Carville may be getting out of politics and into comedy, or clown school at the very least. Carville was on Meet The Press on Sunday. During the interview Tim Russert asked him about his prediction a few months back that Kerry would win the presidential election 52% to 47%. Carville responded figuratively and physical by saying, I've got egg on my face, and then smashed an egg on his face. However the real jewel of the program was later when Russert asked if the election has given president Bush a mandate to be President. To which Carville replied:

"The only politician that I know who has a mandate, is Jim McGreevey!" - James Carville, November 14th 2004, Meet The Press

Who's writting Carville's material? Get it? Man...Date!!!!
[Watch Segment Here]

Secretary's Day

2004-11-15T08:49:00.000-08:00

***POLITICAL BITS EXCLUSIVE***

Inside sources say that four members of the Bush administration cabinet have handed in their letters of resignation. Secretary of State Colin Powell, Education Secretary Rod Paige, Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham and Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman. I would think that they would at least hold out till April so they could get their secretary's day gifts. I hear Bush gave out golden eggs last year! However what will the administration be like with out the voice of reason it had in Colin Powell? As for the other secretary's, they didn't really mater all that much in the first place, I mean who has even heard of Ann Veneman?

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2004-11-15T01:20:00.000-08:00

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Friday Gossip

2004-11-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

I know it has been a few weeks since we last did a Friday Gossip, but so many people asked for it, and we at Political Bits are here to serve. So with out any further delay, a list of the most outrageous and unfounded claims going around Washington that either no one will admit, or are completely false.

According to intelligence insiders, the Russians have brought levels of spying on U.S. interests to Cold War levels. While the US has been focusing resources towards the Middle East, the Commies have resorted to their old KGB ways. Luckily, sources say they are only spying on our economic interests, apparently they are sick of paying for a loaf of bread with a wheelbarrow of cash.
New attorney General nominee Albert Gonzalez's favorite food is tacos, though don't expect that to be the reason his nomination is held up in congress.
Democrats (aka Hillary) aren't the only ones who are gearing up for who should run in the 2008 Presidential Election. The Republicans are starting to talk, and though the party dream ticket of former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and Sen. John McCain has been mentioned, several other names are in play. People like, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, and Tennessee Sen. Bill Frist.
Apparently Jenna Bush's boyfriend, seen around the world with the Bush's in the famous election night footage, slept over election night, but the parents wouldn't let him stay with Jenna. He was forced to sleep on a cot down in the White house galley. Really, the guys got enough trouble as it is dating the presidents daughter, but forcing him to sleep in the kitchen?
Britney Spears is pregnant and she is not returning calls to her rep, Leslie Zelnick. Wow, that Kevin Federline guy has gotten right to work ruining Britney's career, it is going to be hard to be an international pop star when Britney is stuck barefoot in the kitchen cooking for screaming babies.
The Democratic rising star Barak Obama apparently has a big fan in the White House. President Bush has said that he is just itching to get Obama involved in his agenda to make a showing of bipartisan support. "There is a lot we can get done this year". Only one problem, Obama was just elected, his term doesn't start till next year. Bush sure isn't ACTING like a lame duck!

John Kerry Who?

2004-11-09T10:43:00.000-08:00

Ok the Nation can now start to heal, the election is over and Kerry will gracefully fade from the spot light, just like Britney Spears career, Right? Wrong! It seems that Kerry is not going to follow the path Al Gore took in 2000, and will try to remain in that seductive glow of politics for just a little longer. Kerry says he is "Fired up" to take on Bush in Congress and is also contemplating forming his very own PAC. Not only that, but he also refuses to give up on the idea of another run at the White House in 2008. Come on John... you have got to let us move on, if Britney can do it, so can you!

Related Articles:
"Kerry run in '08 called conceivable" [Boston Globe]

Iraqi Lego Land

2004-11-05T11:31:00.000-08:00

I realize that our troops in Iraq are under funded, but come on... using lego's and poker chips to make military maps? There has got to be a better way. When I was younger I used Playdough and a Fisherprice play set to make scale models of citys I was about to invade. Someone has got to get them some 1/8th scale buildings from an old childhood train set or something. I realize that the school is still out on whose fault it is that the troops don't have all the equipment they need, but when we see pictures like this out of Iraq, Congress and the President need to do something!

Four More Years

2004-11-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

Bush salutes the American people, as Laura tries to count how many more years her husband will be in office, looks like 3 and a half, but everyone knows how hard it is to try and only move your pinky finger. Come on... try it, it's hard, that ring finger just never listens!

BUSH WINS

2004-11-03T15:21:00.000-08:00

Congratulation, the new President of the United States is George W. Bush... what's that? he already has been? Well it looks like there is not going to be a need for any recounts this year, the victory was decisive, with the President winning by over 3 million in the popular vote. However, there are a few things that we have learned after this long election night.

The Washington Redskins curse has been broken. Apparently in every previous election, whether the Redskins have won or lost their last October game determined who won the election. But what were we expecting? The Red Sox won this year, all bets were off.
The Youth vote was all talk. 17% voted this time around, 17% voted in 2000. People obviously weren't scared by P. Diddy's "Vote or Die" campaign, maybe if someone with a little more street cred had been an advocate, there would have been a different outcome.
Dan Rathers needs to be fired, I mean did you hear him last night? He asked the Kerry Daughters about getting Margarita's with the Bush twins, and he asked the same question three times when he was interviewing Karen Huges.
Other than the American people, John Edwards is the biggest looser of this whole ordeal. Kerry still has his Senate seat because he wasn't up for re-election, but Edwards WAS and gave up the seat to run with Kerry. Not only that but the Senate seat that Edwards vacated was won last night by a Republican. So now Edwards is jobless, good thing the president working hard to create new jobs!