Blast from Christmas Past

Now that the election season is completely over, and the New Year is approaching, it is natural to start to get a little nostalgic for days gone by. It was only four years ago that we as Americans were treated to a bonus round of elections during the drawn out recount of 2000. Let us reflect on some of the highlights of that glorious moment in American History.

• Most scarring campaign imagery: Being confronted with Al Gore's sexuality. It was bad enough that Tipper felt the need to tell us her husband likes to sleep in the nude, let alone having to watch them go at it on national television.
• Worst cover-up: The Band-Aid George W. Bush sported after breaking out in boils on election night.
• Lamest Gore exaggeration: Telling union workers that his mother used to lull him to sleep by singing "Look for the Union Label," a song that was not written until he was 27.
• Most glaring example of the need for new education standards: During the campaign, George W. Bush's Web site stated that the No. 3 priority of the campaign was "Putting Education First."
• Lowest point of the post-election media feeding frenzy : The broadcasting of live aerial footage of the Florida ballot convoy making its way to Tallahassee. Even O.J. Simpson found it "boring," saying, "Now I know what people went through when they were trying to watch the basketball game and my Bronco was going up the freeway."
• Most unfortunate Bush campaign moment: Mispronouncing subliminal as "subliminable" four consecutive times during an exchange with reporters.
• And speaking of "subliminable", Most animated presidential endorsement: During the trademark chalkboard gag at the beginning of the Nov. 5 episode of the The Simpsons, Bart wrote: "I will not plant subliminal messagores."

And a Happy New Year!

In honor of the Holidays, we at Political Bits want to take a look at some of the differences between our political friends. With out further adieu, "What Republicans and Democrats Say"

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers.

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too... all year round.

Republican Fun

Political Bits has been been getting a lot of email lately about the anti- administration tone of recent posts. Well... since there isn't exactly a Kerry administration to speak of, the Bushies are the ones with the spot light on them. But don't worry, whenever Kerry or his friends at the DNC come out of hiding, Political Bits will be there to pick up the pieces!

Rumsfeld's Tour of Duty

The Secretary of Defense has set out on a world wide publicity tour to set the record straight on himself and the Bush administration. This is in light of the recent news that the majority of Americans in two polls believe Rumsfeld should no longer be in office, 70% say casualties in Iraq are "unacceptable", and the Bush disapproval rating at 49%. Leave it to good old Rumsfeld to take the heat and really go out there for the Administration, unfortunately he got a little lost along the way.

Rumsfeld's first tour stop was to sign some keepsake Baghdad road signs taken during the invasion. Unfortunately they were never replaced on the roads and his convoy got lost on the way into town from the airport. That's always our excuse when we get lost on the way to the airport, "Those damn signs were taken during the last invasion!" Now if Rumsfeld could only make the road signs in the Blue states disappear, no one would ever be able to find their way to Logan or Newark (It's hard enough as it is!)

How To Not Say No

After almost four full years in the Whitehouse, President Bush has gotten the art of how to not answer questions down to a science. Here are a few examples of what Bush doesn't have to say on some important issues:

"Well again, I will repeat, don't bother to ask me," Bush said in response to a question about what "tough measures" might need to be taken to establish private Social Security accounts. "Oh, you can ask me. I shouldn't, I can't tell you what to ask, it's not the holiday spirit." But I'm not going to answer, so don't waste your time: "I will negotiate at the appropriate time with the law writers, and so thank you for trying."

On the question of how long American troops will remain in Iraq, Bush said, "The best people that reflect the answer to that question are people like Abizaid and Casey who are right there on the ground." On the Middle East peace process, Bush said, effectively, don't get your hopes up, but the Palestinians are the ones with the answer: "But I'm realistic about how to achieve peace, and it starts with my understanding that there will never be peace until a true democratic state emerges in the Palestinian territory."

Though it is easy enough to find out positions eventually from other Administration members, it would be nice to hear a few things straight out of the horses mouth. Maybe Bush could start with baby steps by confirming what the press core lunch menu will be for next week!

GE Politics

The king of the business world will apparently not be the king of politics, at least not anytime soon. Former General Electric chairman Jack Welch has ruled out taking a key government position like, say, Treasury secretary. According to Welch, "First I would hate the work and, secondly, I have a little scandal, I was married and I fell in love with another woman and I married her, so I don't want to have that dragged around again, for another week, month. That's silly." Hey Jack, that political baggage is nothing, people have overcome much worse!

Tom Ridge the comedian

Tom Ridge may be preparing to transition out of Bush's cabinet and into a job as a professional comedian. When Tom Ridge flew to Los Angeles to meet firefighters last week, the lame duck Homeland Security chief had prepared some jokes to try and warm up the crowd, but they apparently were not well received by his staff when he tested them out. Here is one of the worst ones "Good afternoon. I thought I was coming to Hollywood to audition to be the next James Bond." And: "Studio said I don't have the right accent. . . . Well, I can fix that. I just hired a new speech coach, Governor Schwarzenegger. . . . I told the studio, 'I'll be back.' " Tom Ridge may want to keep looking for a new job. People laughed harder at his color coded scale!

Food-For-Oil

You know the oil for food scandal is getting bad when even the people at Fox News think something bad is going on! Bill O'Reilly said that American soldiers may be dying in Iraq because of it, according to Fox News's Fred Barnes it's "the biggest scandal in human History." detractors say it proves that the United Nations is a failed, incompetent institution. Senators on Capital Hill are calling for Kofi Annan's resignation. The issue is what Saddam Hussein did with $21 billion in illegal profits from 1990 to 2003 made while evading U.N. sanctions. The real problem is that Annan is really the lesser of the evils. The
scariest thing may be who replaces him!

Jenna Bush, Back to School

Jenna Bush is going back to school. It seems that the young miss Bush has decided to start her career teaching young underprivileged children at an iner-city school in Washington, DC. My question is how she will accomplish this with only an undergraduate degree? Don't you have to have a teaching certificate or something? Oh well, I guess she does have some connections. And what exactly could she teach the children, the best places to get sloshed in Georgetown? Believe us Jenna, they already know!

Lieber"no"man

Democratic Sen. Joe Lieberman has been playing hard to get lately, and Bush is starting to feel a little rejected. Lieberman has twice said "no" when approached about the possibility of a major job in the second Bush administration. Most recently the Cabinet vacancy at the Department of Homeland Security. It seems old Joe is content to spend his days in the Senate, kibitzing with his meshpuchah. However the Bush administration is still holding its breath that maybe by the 8th night of Chanukah, Lieberman will be in such great holiday spirits that he will finally come around. Hey Bush, I wouldn't hold your "otem", and if you still don't understand, brush up on your yiddish.

Related Articles:
"Sources: Lieberman rejects White House overtures" [CNN]

Funny Money

We have all heard that incessant complaining about our countries growing deficit. But no one ever has any solutions... Until now. The folks at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing have an idea for cutting the trade deficit. They got Congress to OK a provision in the intelligence reform bill to let them rent out their presses to print foreign currency. In the past, the bureau had to turn down potential jobs from Kuwait and Mexico and taxpayers had to paid a foreign company $80 million to print Iraq's new currency. Now at long last we can go about printing the groizkees, shlazikasas, and zoidalslaps for all those third world countries. (Ok that last currency was made up... or was it?)

Whole Sale President

I seems that Ex-President Jimmy Carter has found some time to write his 19th book, in between building homes for the poor and attending Library openings. And while other Presidents like Clinton prefer to hawk their books at places like Borders, and Barnes & Noble, Carter likes to sell his books in bulk. President Carter will be touring the country's Sams Club's and CostCo's to sell and sign copies of his new book. In the future, look for the new ten pack so ALL your friends can get the worst holiday gift ever!

Al Sharpton's My Friend

We all know that Al Sharpton is special to the Democratic party, but apparently he was really special to John Kerry. Special in that, I'll pay you money to be my friend kind of way! The Democratic National Committee paid Sharpton $86,000 in travel and consulting fees to compensate for his campaigning for Kerry, according to reports to the Federal Election Commission. No only that, but all the other Democrats like Wesley Clark, Bob Graham, Dick Gephardt and Dennis Kucinich who often campaigned with Kerry, got nadda!

Related Articles:
"Sharpton Was Paid to Campaign for Kerry" [WPost]

The Nativity: Pop Culture Edition

Visitors may be a little confused when they pass by this rendition of the Christmas nativity in London. You see it has been updated slightly with Australian pop star Kylie Minogue hovering above the crib as an angel while "Posh Spice" Victoria is dressed up as Mary and lays her shawled head on soccer star David Beckham's shoulder.

Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the Duke of Edinburgh star as The Three Wise Men (A bit of a stretch). The shepherds are played by Hollywood star Samuel L. Jackson, British actor Hugh Grant and camp Irish comedian Graham Norton. This takes the Nativity to a whole new level, needless to say, the Alglican Church is up in arms about the display. Oh and by the way, all the people are only wax sculptures of the real celebrities (the display was done by Madame Tussaud's) we just hope they don't melt!


Tony Blair, the Duke of Edinburgh, and George W. Bush

It Takes Some Intelligence

The intelligence-reform bill, which the House and Senate seem finally on the verge of passing, doesn't really reform much. Certainly it falls far short of the measures urged by the 9/11 commission, which set the legislative process in motion.

The commission's main proposal was to create a new national intelligence director, who would coordinate and control the vast, disparate, and sometimes quarrelsome array of federal departments, agencies, and sub-agencies that comprise the U.S. "intelligence community."

However the new post will likely be a figurehead, at best someone like the chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers, at worst a thin new layer of bureaucracy, and in any case nothing like the locus of decision-making and responsibility that the 9/11 commission had in mind.

Latin Vacation

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, his wife, and entourage weren't expecting much last month on vacation when they checked into the Presidente Hotel in San Salvador, El Salvador. That is, until they saw that a beauty contest was underway near the hotel pool. Rummy revealed that when he and the missus got to their room, they sat out on the balcony, apparently hoping to see the competitors for the "Miss Latina"contest. But when a big-muscled, well-oiled man dressed in an Aztec costume, competing for "Mr. Latin," strutted out instead, Rummy got up and moved to a room with no view.

Supreme Court Press

I know the proceedings of the Supreme Court can be boring, however when they start to talk about Girls Basketball things can get interesting, well... not so much interesting, as funny! A bunch of grumpy old Justices is a prescription for fun!

Justice Souter said. "Unless we allow whistle-blowers to bring a private right of action, this whole statute is a dead letter." Thomas replies that in Birmingham "we are very conscientious about the administration of our programs, trust me!" to which Justice Ginsburgh snaps back " 'Trust me' is not an answer, when you are telling a sixth-grader she can't play on a team."

In perhaps the single greatest moment of the 2005 term, Justice Stephen Breyer then interrupts Thomas to inquire: "Can I ask you a legal question?"

Umm... Hello? it's the Supreme Court! Isn't everything a legal question?

Military Draft?

Want to know what Bush's position on having a military draft is?

"After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week—we will have an all-volunteer army. Let me restate that." -President George W. Bush, November 16th 2004

Glad we could clear that one up!

$10,000 Martini

The landmark Algonquin Hotel in New York City has added a $10,000 martini to its menu. The hotel where famed wit Dorothy Parker and fellow literary heavy weights often hold court offers the martini, complete with a loose diamond at the bottom. Paying that much for a martini seems steep, even given the diamond. The bar is really just getting into the jewelry business. Executives everywhere are dreaming about getting away with the best expense account item ever!